Free Lolita Porn; Pedophiles Welcome; Enjoy Natural Beauty; Look at Young Art

Is it really free?

Are you interested in 'underage' porn?

Are you a "Pedo"?

I remember when I first discovered you can find anything on the internet. I was looking at an email of a woman with an avocado protruding from her #nus sent by a fellow sex addict and it dawned on me that I could search for any images imaginable and they're probably out there.

That was in 1999, the year before I married my second ex-wife. I'll never forget her walking into the office unannounced where I had my computer, with a screen full of explicit pics, many of which were most objectionable in this society. I quickly turned off the computer and leaned over my erection, hoping she didn't see that I'd been masturbating. She, to this day, said she never realized what I was doing (j*cking off), nor did she have an idea of what I was looking at (child pornography).

I looked at those most risque images as much as I could back then. I had an intense desire to see the forbidden. It wasn't until this past year or so that I began to realize what that was all about.

While I don't consider myself a 'pedophile', my therapy has uncovered some amazingly painful but enlightening information as to why I would search out such images.

For starters, I was a school aged kid at one point and I had crushes on little girls back then. I remember the "two Lisa's" in my first grade class. I actually knew them right on through high school graduation and felt they were beautiful from age 6 onward. I was quite awkward around them, never knowing what to say or how to express myself. I actually would call them up and just listen to their voices on the phone back in middle school--years before caller ID would have revealed my identity.

I also recalled a little girl that was a year older than me when I was in middle school. She was probably 12 or 13, just reaching puberty and so beautiful. A pure, angelic figure whom I desired, even at age 11, but didn't know how to identify with my feelings, nor how to connect with her.

Throw in the sexual molestation I suffered at age seven to my brother and the rape I suffered at age 12 at the hands of a 16 year old boy and you have a pretty good recipe for sexual pathology.

The other piece, of course, is the love of the masturbation and the comfort it brought a child who lacked love and affection from others.

Fast forward back to the times I was first on the internet, and subsequently when my addiction was ramping up in later years. Although there was great shame in looking for and masturbating to those most objectionable images, I was always looking for ways to either justify it or make it seem OK. For example, I'd look at websites that were considered 'art' or 'models', but were clearly geared towards a crowd looking for sexual content. I also would constantly be on the lookout or search for certain terms that I knew were 'unacceptable', as the rush I got from seeing those things was greater than 'normal porn'.

It's this subject that has actually brought about a much deeper shame than that of seeing prostitutes as a married man. Most people can 'accept' a man seeing prostitutes and cheating on a spouse. "That's guys for ya" is the attitude some have.

But looking at anything like a minor for sexual purposes, no matter what the 'explanation' (like having been raped, wanting to recapture innocence/childhood) is amongst the most objectionable taboos in society.

Just talking about it here potentially puts my 'anonymous' self in jeopardy of being 'outed' as a pedophile and potentially being investigated, losing my employment, and losing my freedom.

I actually have quite a few friends in SA who have been arrested and have been to prison for looking at child porn. I never 'downloaded' the stuff, but just looking at images on a website and having that record on your hard drive is enough to get arrested and thrown in prison.

So do I still look at it? Do I still have any sexual energy around kids?

No on the first. I've looked at NO porn since prior to 5/21/06. Also, although I specifically sought out the images, it was never my primary focus in my addiction. Yes, there were times when it ate up hours of my surfing, but between the guilt, shame, and desire to find the more satisfying adult images, I spent most of my 'career' using adult pornography.

On the second, I don't claim to have 'no energy' around attractive minors, but now that I've delved into the why and I've had some solid sobriety, the energy is dramatically lessened--perhaps even 'normal' (???).

There was one incident when I was babysitting at age 12 or 13 that came back to me in therapy as an 'exposure' incident. I was sitting for a two year old and was caught masturbating on his couch. I showed him what I was doing and asked him to come over and watch. As he got closer, he became frightened and then ran up to his room.

I never recalled that incident nor told anyone about it until I went into recovery.

When I told my kids' mother about the child porn and the exposure incident, the marriage was over. Done deal.

So what does a sex addict do? Can we talk about this stuff?

As an aside, disclosure of the sex addict to a spouse or loved one is something that should be mediated by a professional experienced specifically in that arena. I'd go to someone with a Certified Sex Addict Therapist (CSAT) certification if I had to do it over.

C'est la vie...


Anyhow, we absolutely must be able to discuss our most darkest secrets with trusted individuals in a safe environment. It's not only a good idea, it's imperative to one's recovery. In my opinion, we must find out what's driven us to the lowest depths of our illness and seek to answer those previously unanswerable questions.

The shame and guilt that goes along with one's use child pornography to masturbate is unfathomable. I actually had a much easier time discussing my other compulsive problems. If I'm not mistaken, this is the first post where I've used those words openly and it's been several months of posting here so far.

At any rate, I know I must continue to be aware of what I'm triggered by, including minors, and recognize that, just like with attractive adults, I must keep 'fences' around potential problem areas. I'm not going to volunteer to teach science to my friend's 14 year old daughter alone and in the same way I won't tutor a graduate student in my field of expertise in a secluded environment. It's just not a good idea for a sex addict to put himself in a position where he'll even remotely have a chance of doing the unthinkable.

Unfortunately, there are infinite possibilities for a potential sex offender to find his targets and justify his actions. I recall one friend telling me he had sex with a 15 year old girl when he was in his 30's. He said 'she started it' and 'she pursued it'.

It doesn't matter. She a minor. The thirty-something knows that it's unacceptable even if she gives an eloquent diatribe on the virtues of sex with a teenager. She's a minor, he's an adult. End of story.

But rather than the sex addict with this issue putting his head in the sand to ignore the elephant in the room, so to speak, it's better to face the problem head on. We must find out where it comes from and make appropriate boundaries for ourselves so we don't get into trouble, nor harm anyone.

That being said, the amazing thing about this subject is that those in recovery who are discovered by others in the community are understandably feared and shunned, while ironically the most risky individuals in any community are the ones who have not been discovered and who are not in recovery. No, I'm not saying that a level 3 sex offender is harmless, but at least in almost every jurisdiction in the US, you will know where they live (unless they're on the run, of course).

So it's open season to talk about the most shameful stuff on this blog and in recovery groups.

I welcome all those who read this and are looking for help to contact me at lostboy60645@yahoo.com. Although I don't check that e-mail daily, I do check it and welcome any who want to discuss the matter further.

Minors are not welcome in this discussion!

Let's face it. If you're really seeking sobriety, then all subjects need to be on the table.

May G-d help all of us afflicted with this problem discover it's source and face it effectively with His help...