The Ex knew it would happen sooner or later. She just didn't think it would happen in a public restroom, a Women's public restroom, and in a synagogue no less!
Where did I go wrong today???
It all started when I left late for work. I knew traffic was going to be bad, that I wouldn't get much done before I had to leave again to have a supervised visit with my children.
Motown Girl wanted me to be at the park early so I could maximize my time with the kids. I left about 35 minutes after getting to work. I didn't get anything billable done. Two hours in the car and nothing to show for it. It's no wonder I was 'off' today.
Then when I got to the park, I had to wait over a half hour for the boysand MG to show up with the supervisor. I did use the time wisely by praying--you'd think that would center a person, no?
Then it took 20 plus minutes for the kids' bathroom ritual with the babysitter. I spent that time talking with my wife and finishing my prayers. When we finally had a few minutes in the park, we had to quickly feed the boys and then head off to the synagogue where we were to attend a 'brit', the ritual circumcision that a boy undergoes in his first days (usually the 8th day) of life.
It was to take place at the synagogue that my Ex now attends with her husband and my kids. The rabbi and his wife there are friends with the Ex and her family and I feel particularly distant from his rather icy wife, who likely doesn't mean to make me feel bad but I take her manner personally, unfortunately. I also was surrounded by people who are friends with "Mr. Wonderful", the name I will now call my Ex's current husband, aka 'W'.
What's more shocking is that I didn't feel the shame that I usually felt in my own synagogue despite this place being led by this rabbi I'm not friendly with and in a community that's clearly close with W and the Ex. When people around us saw me with the boys, I'm sure they knew that I'm the Sex Addict or something like that, given the constant presence of the supervisor next to me.
So where did it go wrong?
Let's share a few random details and see where your mind goes. Then I'll tell you the real story.
Just remember--"How do you know an addict is lying? His lips are moving". That's the Ex's favorite joke that she heard about addiction at the end of our marriage.
So I had a rather nice time, all things considered that it was very hot in the synagogue and the mohel (the rabbi who cuts the foreskin off the kid) was very late. In fact, I was a bit anxious and not only left a message for W, I texted him that the boys may be 15 minutes or so late so they could enjoy the party and goodies after the brit.
Ultimately the rabbi showed up and brit went off without a hitch, no pun intended. Unfortunately for the boys, it was too late for them to wait for the party, so we said our goodbyes and the supervisor brought them back home. They made it home right on time, thankfully.
Now for the juicy part. After the boys left, while the party was winding down, there were shrieks and cries of children outside of the social hall. Several minutes later, as the shrieks and crying continued, I was seen in the Ladies bathroom with a six-year-old girl standing in nothing but her panties. I was holding onto her arm when the bathroom door flew open. I decided to run out as her mother grabbed her screaming child.
My wife had gone home, and I went to work, remarkably having a very productive night.
Hours later, after I came home and kissed my wife goodnight, I received an ominous email:
"Several things tonight"
Uh oh. Could the jig be up? Did the Ex and/or W find out about me being seen in the Ladies bathroom with a half naked screaming 6 year-old?
What would my 'excuse' be?
I better hope no one can trace this blog! Is my IP address recorded here? Can people figure out my identity? I do say quite a bit about where I am and what I do, about my faith community which is relatively small...I bet someone could figure it out....
What REALLY happened?
What really happened, and this is verifiable by Motown Girl herself, is that I didn't do anything terrible, but I did have my shame triggered in a rather big way.
Thank G-d for Lithium, despite the weight gain! I think I handled it all very well when the dust settled and the smoke cleared.
You see, when we had the boys with us tonight, it was so hot and the rabbi was so late that MG decided to give the kids a cold soda. It was a decaf Diet Coke--gold can. I opened it myself. We also didn't give them any cake or goodies from the party since they missed the party and had to go. And as a matter of habit, we didn't take the kids to the bathroom at the 'appointed time' which is 6 o'clock, so that my oldest doesn't poop his pants. In addition to that, we forgot his stool medicine. The medicine and the prompted poop time is an effort by the Ex and her pediatrician to get my oldest potty trained. He's nearly six and still has occasional accidents. The new regimen has helped, but we rely on the babysitter too much and she didn't bring the kids to the toilet at six tonight. Forgetting the medicine has happened at least a few times in the past year, but not likely 'several', as the email we received tonight intimated.
Following the party, a group of kids were playing outside and all three, from the same family apparently, were stung by wasps. The six-year-old and two-year-old were having absolute meltdowns and their mother was frozen in her tracks.
My wife actually dragged me into the Ladies bathroom where this kid was still screaming. Their mother pulled the six-year-old's clothes off in front of me and I saw that a stinger was still in her skin, which I pulled out. I then decided to go out into the hallway as my wife and several other people barrelled back into the small tiled bathroom.
Outside in the hallway was the screaming 2 year-old. I grabbed him, looked at his sting and then pointed out that it was looking better already. I had his big brother kiss the sting site and then we started reading from a 'Clifford the Big Red Dog' book.
I don't know if any of those people know that I'm a sex addict or if they're aware that the Ex is having me supervised because of her fear that I'm a potential sexual or physical threat to children in her eyes, but I was concerned when I got the email tonight that this was about to blow up in our faces.
Thankfully, W was just bemoaning that my oldest pooped his pants and he gingerly accused us, preceded by an 'apology if I'm wrong', that we fed the kids caffeine and sugar before then came home, in addition to not giving the oldest his medicine and not taking him to the dumper.
Instead of my pre-Lithium tirade and scores of cc'd emails going to family, friends and the Rabbi, I sent an apology, albeit one with a few snide admonitions of possible but unlikely guilt on our part (regarding the caffeine free soda and the low carb meal). I also apologized for forgetting the medicine and took responsibility for MG and I not prompting the sitter to bring the kids to the toilet (although we CLEARLY have told the our paid supervisor that this is one of the FEW things we insist that she take care of).
Our printed 'plan of correction' included plans to keep several bottles of medicine around--one for each car and the condo--and our plan to (continue to) avoid sugary and caffeinated foods/beverages when we're with the children.
This was followed by another apology and a 'best wishes' for the Sabbath and weekend.
No, I didn't commit a felony that I know of. I didn't do anything so terrible to the kids either. In fact, one could argue (and would if he wasn't on Lithium) that the kids actually suffered these setbacks this evening due to the carelessness of our supervisor.
But alas, I've learned in four years of program work, pointing the finger at others does not a recovering addict make. The tenth step says we continue to take a personal inventory and when we're wrong to promptly admit it.
Good on me, no?
The ugly part of this was the shame it brought up for me. I didn't like the feeling it gave me to have that email in my inbox, particularly after today's events. I think W was really pissed because our oldest crapped his pants, needed a shower and the youngest was bouncing off the walls till 9pm this evening. It's also very hot for our part of the country and it's unlikely that the Ex or W would have air-conditioning in their house, let alone use it, being the thrifty tree-huggers that they are.
So it goes.
I'm still a bit wound up, but I need to go to sleep. I don't do well in my program when I'm tired...
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