It's been quite a while since I posted here. Life's been as busy as can be--and most importantly, still sexually sober. I did have a wet dream where I had a 70 year old Tina Turner grinding me with my permission, causing me to ejaculate. I told my wife about it and she's been making fun of me since then.
Life being pregnant is not what we expected, but it's not as bad as it was with the Ex. First of all, this pregnancy, thank G-d, has included no 'bedrest' periods.
The Ex was on bedrest for 6 out of 9 months and I had been blamed for at least some of that. Despite the fact that having twins was a high risk pregnancy, she said the time that I 'forced' her to give me oral sex was the reason the rest of the pregnancy was 'ruined'. That was following months of no sexual contact between us and me, being drunk in a hotel room with her, decided to ask her (repeatedly and annoyingly) in my inebriated state to perform oral sex. She said my badgering was equal to 'forcing' her. She cried while she was doing it and I stopped her nearly immediately, at least that's what I remember.
After I disclosed my sex addiction to her and the fact that I'd been with prostitutes and looked at illegal porn, her 'new memory' was that I forced her head down and kept her doing it for 'a long time' and that's when she started her pre-term labor.
It's my word against hers and my lawyer said it's one of many things that most judgements go against the husband, so he suggested I not fight for improved custody rights. The Rabbi agreed. Public knowledge of my prostitution habit, my porn habit, and possible disclosure by her publicly about where I looked at porn and what kind, may have hurt my employment and my ability to get a job in the future.
Meantwhile, Motown Girl has been complaining of aches and pains, difficulties sleeping, and when we tried to have intercourse, she says it hurt and she didn't want to. Whenever we talked about any sexual contact with me, it was in the context of her saying 'I'll give you [pleasure] so you won't go to a hooker'. I didn't want this 'charity sex' so I decided to refuse it. This happened several times and I've just lived without sex.
I'm not sure how much this has played into my continued struggles with food. I actually did well until we took a trip to the Midwest for the past two weeks. I found several opportunities to overeat at delicious kosher restaurants there, something we rarely do in the Northwest.
Upon our return, I recalled how I'd busted my rear to make my 'quota' plus enough to earn a significant bonus, at least what I thought would be significant, in the past three months. This is also at time when I still haven't figured out how to complete my administrative work in a timely manner and I'm expected to be helpful and present at home as much as possible, in addition to having twice weekly visits with my boys towards the end of my workday.
We returned home tonight from a 3 day High Holy Day weekend to find a photo ticket from a red light sent to us from our Midwest vacation, and the bonus that I received was about half of what we expected.
With my professional licensing exam coming up and the difficulties completing my paper work for my job, I find the pittance of a bonus to be a disincentive to increase my productivity. Sad, considering the company wants us to hit bonus numbers regularly.
So what I've realized recently is that I work too hard, I don't do enough for myself with respect to exercise and eating right, and I don't sleep enough.
I also haven't been to a 12-step meeting in forever, so that's a need that has to be filled.
I'm on my way to sleep shortly. Time to rethink how I approach my professional life. My father, he should rest in peace, used to say that your headstone will not say "He didn't spend enough time at the office".
His should say he spent too much time there...
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