Full of potatoes, chicken and ice cream, the Sex Addict admits defeat

I was eating the last quarter of my half chicken, that followed the large serving of mashed potatoes, that followed the four scoops of sugar free ice cream, that followed the twelve hour work day, and I felt like puking even before the last part of that dead bird ended up in my stomach.

To say that I'm overwhelmed on some level is a fair statement.

I'm not being sarcastic.  I just approach each day one day at a time, like the Big Book says, only I feel like there's a part of me that's doing the same thing I used to do when I'd act out with a hooker and then I'd go home to my wife and kids and say, "Okay, let's just forget that happened and move on".

In other words, I think I'm compartmentalizing my fear and anxiety about what's going on in my life. 

Right now, I have a career licensing exam that comes every ten years and I feel like I have a good chance at failing it.  Thankfully, it's extremely unlikely that failing it will be significantly impact my career.  It would be humbling to flunk.  It would be expensive, as I'd have to re-up the ante on the thousand dollar exam and take a review course for a couple thousand more.  But it would hardly be a career ending problem, and for that, I should be thankful.  It also takes the pressure off of me to kill myself trying to prepare for this exam.

Concomitantlly, my wife has two weeks left of our pregnancy, so we're bound to have a baby boy, G-d willing in good health for her and the child, in the next several days to couple of weeks.  This will undoubtedly change the shape of our lives forever, and hopefully for the better and in good health for everyone involved.

Last, but not least, there's my current job.  I've been a month behind on paperwork for two months, and now I'm a month behind on billing/charges.  This comes at the same time that I took nearly a month off of work related to vacation and Jewish holidays.  I'm still not caught up on the billing piece and I'd say that's amongst the most important to maintain good standing with my employer.  I'm also continuing to work this job full time, but expect to take a day or two off for the birth of my child, and a couple of weeks off in  December when we trounce the tike around the Midwest to show him off to the fam.

So I'm a bit overwhelmed when I think of it all, and that causes me to feel anxious and this has most recently led to me overeating. 

Sexwise, I'm sober, but with the spaight of holidays we just had, I was reminded of some of the worst acting out I did this time of year.  I guess I should be happy to have another anniversary away from it, but it would be inhuman not to remember it and/or just to ignore it. 

The shame is not what it used to be, but not being with my kids for the holidays and having the continued supervised visits keeps the reminders coming without pause.

Following my exam, I plan to approach the Ex about changing our parenting plan to include me seeing the kids every other weekend and I'm going to ask her to foot the babysitting every other week while I work on our usual visit days as my work schedule is changing.  The reason I want her to foot the bill instead of sharing it is because our babysitter has to travel with the kids about 45 minutes to an hour to take them to their new, more distant home.  This costs more money for us and it takes at least that amount of time out of our visit--less time with the kids at a higher cost.

But as many around me say, the Ex wants me to keep on paying more and more for my sins.  She 'forgave' me the year after we split supposedly,  but she's constantly exacting a steady amount of reparations for the pain I caused her. 

And I doubt it can ever be enough, to make her feel whole again.  That's the way my addiction was.  It didn't matter how much sex I had, how many times I ejaculated, how much booze I drank, how high I got, how much food I stuffed into my pie hole.  It was never enough.

So I have to continue to grow up, take the higher road, but I can't keep on taking it on the chin because I wronged her.  I have to stand up for my rights as a father and as a provider.  It's time to stop giving in to every little thing that she demands.  As I see it, if she decides to fight me and go to a public court on the record about my shortcomings, it will be a public record that any divorcee may have.  Accusations of infidelity, pornography, mention of child pornography, child abuse.  It may spur investigations of my computers, my internet providers, my work computers.  It could involve my employer, asking them to supoeona their computers and give them the reasons why.

Chances are, even if the 'worst case scenario' takes place, any employer will not fire me for being accused of these things.  And I won't be convicted of jack squat.  I've done nothing that can put me into that position as far as I know and as far as my therapists know.  They told me that the clean life I've led and the therapy I've done will serve me well in court if need be. 

So why continue to cave in to her demands? I don't want to spend much money since I don't have extra money to do this.  But I have to do the basics and that's to stand up for my rights to see the kids, to seem them when serves all of us best, and to ask for a 'fair and balanced' arrangement to use the babysitter and consider the increased travel time.

I hope their mother has it in her heart to allow for these changes without forcing my hand to send her a letter from a lawyer I really can't afford now, but must hire if she refuses.  I especially don't want to have that lawyer file a motion on my behalf that's going to lead to more expenses and the possibility of public records of my wrongdoings, albeit in an accusatory form that cannot and most likely will not be confirmed in a legal forum.

But ask I must, and ask I will, despite the misgivings of my very pregnant and cost-conscious wife.  I don't ask for much in our marriage, at least not from a financial perspective. 

So here's where I go from this point:

-go to sleep and wake up to do a touch of paperwork before we go to Motown Girls OB appointment
-go to work for a couple of hours at each worksite before meeting up with the kids
-go to see the kids and enjoy them to the fullest
-go home and finish as much paperwork as I can

-after the licensing exam, create a parenting plan, submit it to the Rabbi (and MG) and eventually see if the Ex wants to suck more blood out of my neck or does she want what's best for the kids and all of us involved in their lives.

We shall see.  And let's not forget, at any moment, I'm going to be a father with unrestricted access to a newborn.  That's not worrying me, but there's a lot of people around me, including some who are on 'my side' that are itching to see how I handle it.

I'm not worried...but the proof is in the pudding...