Yeah, still sober.
I'm trying to remember the date of my last acting out. I was coming out of the bathroom with my iPad and had just crossed the line, looking at full on porn and masturbating to it. I think it was the morning of the 21st of August.
Anyhow, I've seen my shrink since then and he'd suggested either losing the iPad or setting more rigid boundaries.
Since then, I've put X3Church on both the iPad and the new Android phone I got this week, and I've continued to refrain from surfing the net in the places I usually go. Evidently he feels the 'screen time' I put in is numbing me out, like an Internet addiction.
And sure enough, I feel like I'm withdrawing from Internet surfing as well. My food addiction spiked in the past couple of days. My irritability has gone up considerably. I've been much more emotional in general.
And I'm blogging after 3am on a day that I should be sleeping now and up in the morning.
I actually went to sleep around 8pm or so and woke up around 1:30a, which believe it or not is about the amount of sleep I've been getting lately.
One $hi++y consequence of my acting out is that I've had to restore my iPad for some reason and I've never had to do that. I suspect, just like in the old days of my acting out on my laptop, the iPad has been corrupted by the porn and I've ruined another device, hopefully temporarily. This happened yesterday afternoon and allowed for me to go to bed early since I couldn't do my administrative work, which is overdue and stressing me out. I'm tempted to wrap up this post and do some now on the laptop, but I sense that doing it during the day would be better for my body, so I'll probably go to sleep momentarily and pick it up during the day Friday.
Overall I'd say I'm feeling much better. I've disclosed to my wife about all that I've dipped into--thankfully I didn't reach my bottom of child porn or prostitutes. I've set up seemingly effective boundaries for sobriety, for the moment anyway.
The one thing I didn't do that I said I would is get to a meeting. I had planned to go on Wednesday night but couldn't find my car keys and stayed home with the wife instead. It worked out okay just the same. We did some things that had to be done here and now we're in good shape for moving on with our daily lives, having completed some essential chores for the homestead.
I'm still frustrated with my food addiction and I've not committed to any boundaries there. I am reading some books on intuitive eating which, in my opinion, is potentially effective for some addicts, but has not been for me up to now. I'm just not ready to give up food on top of Internet, on top of sex for right now.
I am ready to try to continuing being present, feeling my feelings, and taking care of my mind and body.
Which is why I'm going to sign off and go to sleep, wake up a little later, do my work instead of fooling around online, and then go exercise.
G-d helps those who help themselves :)
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