Seems Like Old Times: The Sex Addict Returns to Masturbation and Internet Porn

It doesn't take a genius to know why I masturbated to porn this evening. Or a few nights ago. Or a couple of weeks ago. I don't even like to admit that it was porn or that I masturbated. I was searching the Goog images with Safe Search off and using terms that I hoped would 'happen' to turn up triggering images. Then I'd either go to sleep hoping that I have a wetdream and relieved my 'need' or, finally, I just grinded a pillow or myself until ejaculation. I hope this description doesn't trigger some of you to act out the way I did. If anything, I hope you picture this pathetic, middle aged, morbidly obese, sweaty, smelly sex addict who is using gluttony of food and porn to soothe his self induced 'crisis'. What's the crisis? Work has been short two professionals lately and I've been "volunteered" to help fill the gaps. During this time, Motown Girl has been I impregnated with two embryos and she's on abstinence measures. Why does the sex addiction creep back in now? The tired and stressed part is easy to figure out. The overtime is taking time away from my wife, who I need quality time with, albeit non sexual at the moment. It is draining time and energy from me working out. It's triggering overeating like mad. And when I overeat, I'm self loathing. When I'm overworked, tired, and stressed, I feel a need to have a release. Most recently, I've not wanted to watch my favorite comedy shows on cable, or play my video games that I enjoy, or exercise, or watch a movie, or read a book. I've just wanted to look for images of my sexual addiction template and ejaculate. In the past, I've done those other things, I've made phone calls, I've gone to meetings, I've blogged, and I've gotten together with friends. I've actually disclosed every indiscretion I've had to my wife, my sponsor, and my closest SA friend. So what gives in the continued fu€K ups? No surrender. Without surround and admonition of total powerlessness, the game is over before it even starts. What's amazing is my wife, who I'd usually tell these thing to last, came up with the only obvious solution. Use my Covenant Eyes browser on the iPad and that will likely put the ki-bosh on the acting out on the computer. Continuing to address my frustration with my boss and admitting it to my wife and friends should help. Exercising, playing video games, watching a movie, and other healthy self care measures should help. And for G-d's sake, admitting that I'm powerless over and over and over is only going to help. May G-d grant me the Serenity To accept the things I cannot change Courage to Change the things I can, And the Wisdom to know the difference, Thy will, not mine be done...