Last week my wife, MotownGirl, who is several weeks pregnant and taking steroids on top of that per her doctors orders, gave me the "go ahead" to act out with porn. I can't remember exactly how long and how much I looked at, but I think there were four 'sessions' over a few hours that night, into the wee hours of the morning.
I gotta make it good, make it feel right, if I'm gonna do it--no?
She was feeling sick, was in pain, was moody, and continues to be exhausted all of the time. She's preoccupied by our freakishly strong and active 11 month old and despite increasing efforts, the condo remains a certifiable disaster area. Were it not for the 2 1/2 foot plastic fence play pen we snapped together in the living room, I'd say the living room would be a veritable deathtrap for our poor little guy.
As I stumble through the piles of groceries on the ground, step over the occasional trash, dropped food, dirty clothes or the rare soiled diaper, I grumble that I'm not supposed to live like this. I'm working my a$$ off as a professional and I've got the most freaking ginormous fixed expenses one could imagine, courtesy of being an Orthodox Jew Sex Addict Divorcee with agreed upon supervision around my twins from the Ex and another year of paying for the Ex's shrink bills. The 'shrink tax' and supervisor alone cost me north of $1000 per month.
So I feel like somehow I deserve the live in house keeper that would keep the place neat and tidy so I can walk around here without tripping over things.
But if I'm going to live in that fantasy land, I might as well say that I deserve to live in an Orthodox neighborhood in a house--an absolute impossibility with our current ownership of an underwater condo in one of the most expensive housing markets in the US, despite the economic downturn.
Compound that with the ongoing struggles of the wife who's, sick, tired, and overwhelmed. She's had the added stress of having to do my soiled sweaty, frequent gas and bowel movement having obese man's laundry, her infant son's laundry, as well as her own, she has to do the cooking, the limited cleaning which is still significant despite the above complaints, and then she has the stool caked, sweaty, obese ogre of a husband who wants to have sex with her or at least get some decent heavy petting to climax.
And I expect it, to some degree. I deserve it, right? Don't I work insane hours? Don't I help out enough at home with the kid? All the time, even on busy days? Don't I earn the cash to pay all of these bills? Aren't I making the efforts to get us more income so we could perhaps at some point move out of this little dump into a more spacious home in a neighborhood that we feel is our own?
It seems like the only way something significant is going to change for the "better" financially in the foreseeable future is if (G-d forbid) my mother passes away or both of her parents pass away (they should all live a healthy, happy life until 120!). Or if I die of some life insurance acceptable way. That would suck for me, but I'd be gone so who cares what I think. It's the twins, the current boy and our unborn fetus that I'm concerned about, in addition to my wife, the mother of 1 child plus a fetus plus four snowflakes on ice.
But the f#cking CRACK COCAINE for my brain--porn--is just absolutely kicking my a$$ since I looked at it last. I have ways of looking at it without getting "tracked" on my computer, not to mention I just don't have the desire to stay sober that I used to. I really felt comfortable surfing all that porn, finding things quickly as if I'd never left. And I know exactly what I like to look at so that I can get that 'hit' and climax.
The only problem is, it's never enough. It is never enough, it will never be enough, and no matter how hard I try, it will always, always, always demand that I go after more and more and more.
Why can't I just be "normal" and Jack Off a little and go to bed? Why can't I just stop with a little self pleasure and then finished?
Nope. Not me. Gotta go for more, then, eventually I'll need to escalate what I look at to make it more titillating. And I'm all too aware that escalation can lead down roads that could be illegal and/or immoral to the point of jeopardizing my marriage, my relationship with all of my kids, my career, and my right to live freely in any community.
So that should stop most people.
Not me!
It would also possibly lead me back to prostitutes, many of whom, like it or not, are underage and at risk teens.
Wouldn't that just kill my family, work, and community ties?
But I still want to go there...
So what's keeping me sober now?
I went to a meeting tonight. That probably helped. I set all of my browsers for the iPad into areas where I shouldn't go unless I'm doing work for work. The browsers I do use are monitored by my therapist.
I don't carry cash and my wife follows my (our) cash use to the penny. It would be a disaster for me to go down that road again, on many levels, not the least of which would be my emotional wife who may poison me or slit my throat, if it weren't for the insurance company having a history of scrutinizing suspicious deaths--and I'm talking about if she caught me cheating in any way. I don't think she wants to kill me just yet otherwise.
And I made some phone calls to some recovery buddies this evening. I'd promised to stay sober and I'd like to keep that promise.
But being as tired and stressed as I am, I have to be gentle with myself and remember to lean on the One who does have the power to keep me sober.
This week is Rosh Hashannah, the head of the new year on the Jewish calendar, and as they say in some Jewish circles "the King is in the Field". G-d is out in the open this month leading up to the High Holy Days and he's asking that we, the Jewish people, crown him as King once again for the coming year. At the same time, we Jews are asking that G-d listen to our supplications, our desires or a better life in the new year.
It would seem to be a bad time to act out sexually. It's also a good time to as the One Above for help.
If He's in the field, may He extend a helping Hand to one who has poor ability to help himself, especially after subjecting himself to such toxic, toxic poison.
Time to go to sleep. G-d help me remain sober one day at a time...
0 comments:
Post a Comment