I don't know what the f#ck has gotten into me. I'm not "horny" or lustful, per se, but I feel an overwhelming desire to look at porn lately. I just heard one little ad for a masturbatory device and my mind was off to the races. I wanted to see the videos of the device in action.
Ironically, as I watched two short clips, I didn't feel aroused--I was kind of disgusted. There's a pic of this guy masturbating with his hand and then with the device and I'm thinking, "yeah, this is exactly what I need"--NOT!
So why do I come here as my wife goes to bed? She knows that I'm Jonesing, she knows that she's been accused of being an enabler, both for telling me "do what you want" previously, and then at other times, including tonight, she's offered oral sex.
It's a lose-lose for the both of us. I actually refused the sex, since I felt it was being offered in an unhealthy way. But then I'm sitting out here in the living room, tired, feeling sorry for myself, feeling stressed by work, feeling there's virtually untenable clutter everywhere in the condo, and I wanna say "pfuggit" and go to the races.
But where does it leave me afterwords. I know the addiction cycle. I'm stuck in the preoccupation phase. I'm looking to avoid the ritualization/acting out phase and the phase that's the worst, most potentially lethal--the despair that follows.
Usually right after that ejaculation, as the waves of warmth fade from my limbs, torso and brain, I have the immediate sense that I've done something wrong, that I have to immediately tell my wife, recovery buddy, sponsor, and that I'm frustratingly starting out at square one again.
MotownGirl sees the risk of me going online as being 'bad' for me, but from what I gather, she seems most afraid that I'm going to either pick up a hooker and/or meet up with someone to have a sexual tryst. That, or perhaps go online and masturbate on cam to someone that I think is a woman. I'm sure she's also concerned that I'll escalate to one of the forbidden zones i.e. to child porn which, apart from being disastrous for me with respect to shame and dangerous from the standpoint of fueling my addicts desire for that which is off limits, it puts me at risk for arrest, loss of livelihood, and loss of access to all of my children.
But here I sit, inches away from an Internet device that is not protected from viewing all of those things, and I'm still contemplating it.
What the F#ck is wrong with me?!?
I'm an addict, and that's a given, but it's more than that.
I'm very sad.
I'm sad that I'm a professional and I'm in a financial hole that I'm barely able to tread water in, and I'm one little tip in the balance of the universe from losing my ability to pay my bills.
I'm sad that my life partner is having such a hard time harnessing her emotions, such a hard time managing our beautiful little boy, and such a hard time handling the discomforts of pregnancy. She's also obviously stressed about our ability to make ends meet, she seems unhappy living in a city where she remains a foreigner and is far from comforts that should come with living a "middle class" life in an Orthodox Jewish community. And she seems unhappy with her body. She's kept a whole spectrum of clothes in our closet, to the point where we can barely navigate to find the things that we need, and yet I don't believe she fits into 10% of the stuff. That being said, she, like myself, continues to eat mind numbing foods (from what I can tell, although I'm no expert about others, let alone myself), and she's told me that she's gained about 50 to 60 pounds since we've married.
I'm sad that I've let myself go with my food and I can't even remember what it's like to eat normal, let alone exercise regularly. Speaking of, I'm sad I can't seem to afford seeing the personal trainer more than four times a month--something that somehow gets me off of my a$$ and into the gym.
I'm sad that I'm still restricted from my kids, that I have to pay a "babysitter" to watch me when I visit with them, and that I don't get to see them often.
I'm sad I can't bring my kids to my house since it's so cluttered and dirty that they won't have a place to sit, play, eat, without feeling uncomfortable.
I'm sad that my wife has had to take on so much responsibility with my twins, including setting up their visits, preparing food for them and/or buying food for them, and she's had to cut back finances in her life because of the gigantic expenditures that I have related to my divorce agreement and my financial responsibilities that I've agreed on with the Ex.
I'm sad that if I do enough face-to-face time at work with my clients, that I cannot finish my paperwork in a timely fashion, and this results in me being perpetually behind.
I'm sad that I don't have the money or the time to set up my own professional corporation/office doing my craft so that I don't have to rely on my employer to keep my boat floating.
I'm sad that the economy is so sh*tty that my condo's value has sunk to new lows continuously, despite our efforts to pay down the principle to allow us to refinance and lower our payments.
I'm still sad about the tens of thousands we have in credit card debt that seems to have 'snuck up on us', but truly occurred with our conscious use of the credit cards while simultaneously burying our heads in the sand about these consequence we're now suffering i.e. paying enormous fees and finance charges to the banks just to keep our accounts from going into collections.
I'm sad that my body is 70 pounds heavier than when I met my current spouse and 160 pounds more than it was when I met my second wife. I think I was about the same weight when I met wives #1 and #2...
I'm sad that I'm so apathetic about the initiation of exercise or food changes in my life. It seems that the exercise is too difficult due to fatigue and entitlement that I should be able to relax, and the food is a conscious choice to eat the crap I want to prevent myself from acting out sexually, and of course to numb out from all of the other problems.
So as my therapist has said, and I reluctantly believe, now is the best time for me to type this sh*t up. It's when I want to act out that I need to ask myself "what am I feeling?", "where do I feel it?", and I also need to use this time to use the tools that keep one sober.
One thing is blogging, another is using my laptop which is protected by Covenant Eyes, as opposed to the iPad which is a bastion of potential sin (I can just hear Dana Carvey as the Church Lady saying, "It's the Devil himself trying to drag you away from Jee zuss!". Of course as a Jew who follows the Torah, we didn't "get" the "New Testament" and therefore don't follow the teachings of Jesus, but I digress on my digression).
Another thing to get me to stay sober, I need to feel how tired I am, stop working, and go to sleep.
I'm not sure how long the sobriety will last. I may just leave here and go blow it anyway. But I'm going to just put one foot in front of the other and go back to the bedroom, next to my wife, and try to get some shut eye without going down the wrong path.
Lord help me...I need it, for all of the above reasons, and the ones I'm sure You know and that I've yet to find out...
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