I love the show Dexter. It's about a serial killer who sublimates his killing ways into vigilantism, woven into a clever set of stories in the setting of a Miami Police Department. The protagonist/serial killer is Dexter. In one season he actually attends a 12 step meeting for heroin addicts and talks about how he's always giving in to his "dark passenger" and he's living a double life where if people knew the real him, they would never want to be around him.
So it goes as the sex addict. And all addicts for that matter. We feel that if anyone knew the real us, they'd never want to be a part of our lives.
I told my wife this past holiday week that I'm tired of being caught in the crossfire of my overtaxing work, while I hear thankless demands to do more at home. This is all the while I live in an environment defined by chaos and clutter, and fueled by 'inner circle foods' that are either brought/created by Motown Girl or purchased/consumed by myself.
Lately, like since she became pregnant this last mid August, I've been feeling that she continues to demand more and more of me, she complains of constant fatigue, pain, discomfort and/or nausea, and sexual encounters understandably are about the last thing on her mind.
Meanwhile, I'm feeling overwhelmed by work, where I've fallen behind on paper work and I'm currently in a continuous audit that's putting my job in jeopardy to do so, and I've been going into work later and later, not meeting their expectations, and this is because I'm either spending time trying to help my wife, or it's because I'm acting out in some way. The acting out online with porn and masturbation hasn't sunk to the degrees it has/could, but it's been consistent in that I've done it several times since the pregnancy began. I'm also still eating like crap, hardly exercising, and I'm at nearly 345 pounds, the heaviest I've ever been. It's hard to walk around normally with that much extra weight. I constantly feel short of breath when I exert myself beyond minimally, I don't think my CPAP is working for my sleep apnea since I'm often tired when I wake up and I suspect I might even need a new machine in addition to the already overdue changes in the settings. Finally, I'm feeling that my wife has distanced herself tremendously from me. This has come in the form of little to no hugging, kissing, holding, we don't generally sleep together in the same bed since she's usually uncomfortable and doesn't like me near her, and she also has a routine of getting the baby (now over 1 year old) and bringing him in bed in the early morning. This, of course, is in addition to the absence of sex.
So what do I do? I continue to eat like sh*t, I continue to avoid any extra exercise, I continue to act out online, I continue to keep a distance by not sleeping with her in the same bed, by staying up late acting out, by overeating and worsening the way I feel both physically and emotionally about myself.
It's a f*cking nightmare to keep up all of this self destructive behavior. I need some help...
In comes the new psychiatrist--later this month--to give me a second opinion on the meds I'm on.
In comes a truthful conversation with my wife telling her all of the abovc in the most respectful and loving way that I could.
In comes the Sex Addict to the bed with the wife. I've now relocated the CPAP to the bedside and moved all the piles of clothes to the other bed so I can share a bed with her.
In comes the Sex Addict making lots of phone calls, talking about the above and talking about how despite my efforts, I still want to act out.
So I made a plan. Keep the iPad in the bedroom, next to the wife, and use only the computer/smart phone that's protected by the Covenant Eyes and XXX Church.
Add in a walk up the monstrous hill near my house before I ate dinner and sat down to watch Season Five of Dexter (the last few episodes were killer ;-> )
You'd think that would keep me sober, no?
When I came home from the walk and went into the bedroom, I decided to see how my iPad backup in preparation for the new iOS5 update was going. I'd read a bunch of stuff and did some tips and tricks to get the thing to work smoothly, but two things went wrong.
The first, and most triggering, was that it didn't work. When I realized that and was starting to just download the software in the bedroom, my wife woke up and told me to take the whole mess--iPad, computer and all--into the other room since I was keeping her up.
Being a good little sex addict, I "eroticized" my rage in my head and told myself "bingo! I can go act out--it's her fault!!" and I told her that.
Like a bad co dependent i.e. someone in good recovery, she said "I can't help what you do...I can't worry about you...I need rest...Good night...I love you" and she rolled over and went to bed.
What a rotten person, I thought--although it didn't feel right. She was actually doing something very healthy. And this was after she spent all day taking great care of our son, a lot of her free time straightening out things I'd asked her to start to take care of so I'd feel better about coming home, and she also made me a salmon dinner.
What nerve!
I guess it's me with the nerve. So I realized, I'm powerless over this stuff (step I) and I told myself, "sure, we're going to act out, but let's take our time and enjoy the evening".
So I didn't do any work, I put on Dexter and quickly became engaged in the final episodes of the season. Additionally, I ate the yummy dinner my wife had made, and I synced my iPad to the new software.
So the Dexter watching (I'm a Dex Addict too) and the iPad syncing kept me away from the porn.
By the time I'd finished Dexter and the iPad was in the midst of successful downloading of the new iOS5 and iCloud was working it's magic with restoring my apps, I've lost the urge to act out.
Just for the moment...
G-d gave me a freebie....perhaps it's the harvest holiday of Sukkot I should be thankful for.
Today and tonight are going to be tough. I'm going to have to sleep as much as I can so I can go to work, work efficiently and then do my usual 'overnighter' on Monday evening as I prepare the paperwork for my associate taking over the work sites on Tuesday morning.
At least I know who's in control and I guess that's a start....
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